


Clean Your History Before You Die

by Justbrowsing



Series: My tumblr stories [4]
Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies)
Genre: Gen, Powered AU, Sex Toys, rich people problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-11-05 18:55:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11019498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justbrowsing/pseuds/Justbrowsing
Summary: Charles, Raven, and Erik make a trip out to a dead uncle’s house to clear it of scandal. They had expected a few videos, and maybe some bad accounts. Too bad that hadn’t been the extent.





	Clean Your History Before You Die

The house wasn’t anything special to him. Something one of his more obscure uncles had left him upon his death. While the majority of the population may love being the sole heir to a previously unknown uncle, Charles didn’t need the money he had just inherited. He also didn’t need the hassle of going out to the house and clearing it of any possibly incriminating things before he assigned an actual clean up crew to come in and haul things away. His family had a reputation to keep up. While they may be known for being oddities, that didn’t mean they were surrounded by bad publicity.

“What exactly are we looking for?” Erik asked as Raven went straight to the man’s bedroom. Charles had decided to start in the home office. He would be better able to understand the paperwork, and Raven was always more interest in the potential sex scandals that sometimes popped up on home videos. Not that they had done this often. Just for an aunt or two neither had known.

It was amazing. For as well connected as the Xavier family was amongst society, they were the most disconnected family imaginable.

“Anything that you think would make it into the tabloids. Money laundering, outstanding debts, sex scandals. In this case, any toys more obscure than a blowup doll.”

“Does that include dildos?” Raven called down the hallway.

“Uncle Lawrence is known for his homophobia, so yes. We don’t want closeted-gay being bandied about. It would prove him right, honestly,” he added as an aside to Erik. “If I weren’t so obnoxiously out, our family may be considered bigoted, which would mean—“

“Less money for fundraisers and and charities. I’m starting to understand the politics that come with your family,” Erik finished, face completely unaffected of emotion. “Should I go see if he has any ghosts in his attic?” he asked, a hint of playfulness touching his tone.

Charles paused and then looked up hopefully. “If you wouldn’t mind? Yell down if you find anything, yeah?” he asked, already turning back to the accounts ledger that would be thoroughly gone over by some lawyer before some lucky (or unlucky) journalist managed to win it at the auction.

Erik scoffed and walked out to find the steps to the attic. There was a sturdy pull-down ladder right outside the bedroom, and Erik was pleased to find a single hanging bulb. He would’ve hated working in such cliche conditions.

It was a great empty space. Dusty, like most attics. A few cobwebs broke on his face as he walked over to the bulky covered item. The gray tarp made it more intriguing than the old travel chests just by way of being more accessible. Lifting it up, he blinked in surprise, and took a step back, pulling the tarp with him.

It fell away to reveal a large bar bull machine. But that wasn’t quite what it was. It had gears, and definitely moved, but it looked like the person sat in it rather than rode it. But they definitely still straddled it, and… oh.

The laughter that left his mouth was loud enough to draw both Charles and Raven at a near run. He was doubled over on the floor, disturbing the dust at the thought of one of Charles’ relatives buying a machine for “women’s hysterics.”

“What is that?” Raven asked, going up to it and immediately settling herself in the seat. “Does it move? Erik! Make it move,” she requested, which just made Erik wheeze as he nodded.

“Raven, get off that immediately.” If his red face was any indication, then he already knew what it was. If it was by prior knowledge or by peaking into Erik’s mind, the taller man didn’t know, and didn’t really care. He just started the machine up as smoothly as he could with the old gears fighting his will.

“Oh my god!” the woman yelled, gripping the side bars as the seat began shaking quickly. “What is this?” she exclaimed, losing her human camouflage as she focused more on the machine.

“It’s an old device gentlemen would send their wives to when they didn’t want to bother with their heightened needs,” Charles explained as delicately as he could. “Really, Erik. Would you stop that. That’s my sister.”

“Spoilsport,” Raven groused, crossing her arms over her chest as the machine rattled down. “How do we get this beast out of the house?” she asked, dismounting gracefully.

“I’ll have to think about that. It obviously can’t go back to Greymalkin.” Charles frowned and swayed back and forth in thought. “We could just donate it anonymously to a museum,” he mused.

“Would a museum take this?” Raven asked skeptically. Erik distracted himself by feeling out the machine for any problems that he could fix before they gave it away.

“Of course they would. Look at it! It’s a machine that was built specifically to give women pleasure. It helped influence the American Gothic movement in its repression of women’s sexuality. This one is in good condition, as well. Better, once Erik is finished with it. The problem won’t be finding a place that will take it. It’ll be finding that place without the media catching on.”

“Couldn’t you just say your uncle collected historical artifacts?” Erik teased. He got an unamused look for that.

“We could ask Azazel to drop it off quietly,” Raven said hopefully. She would take any chance she could to see the teleporter. Unfortunately, it usually took a request from Erik to get the man onto Greymalkin grounds.

“He won’t do something so big. He’ll do groups of people for the right reasons, but he refuses to be a pack mule,” Erik informed them blandly. “We could disassemble it, and reassemble it outside the museum back gate.”

Charles snorted at the thought of the security cameras watching that the next day. “It may be viewed as a bit of a Trojan Horse.”

“Perfect, another piece of history. What else do you think he has lying around up here?” Raven asked, already moving on.

“I hope there’s nothing else,” the telepath murmured, rubbing his head in concern.

Erik chuckled and unlocked a padlocked chest with a wave. “Only one way to tell,” he reasoned before paling. “Is that a—“

“Oh dear lord!”

“Oh look! The butt-plug opens! Why is there a blade in it!!!!”


End file.
